Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think I won the penis lottery.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
