I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
