Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
