My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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