Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Blood and glitter go together right?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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