Four minutes until I can fart!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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