feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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