my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
