i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
