Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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