Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
