dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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