my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
