I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
