I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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