I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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