saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
