no, he came in my armpit
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
