last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
