Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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