I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
