i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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