my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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