your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
