the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We got so high we made milksteak
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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