what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
