why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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