I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
