He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
