Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Someone signed my nipple.
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