OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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