i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
