Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
