I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
