i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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