Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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