Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
