he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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