the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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