I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
