So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
