I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
