I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
