I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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