Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
