so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize