dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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