Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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