In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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