pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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