Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
is wine microwaveable?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
