i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
