Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
